Up to me

I spend a lot of time in the ocean that rocks back and forth inside my head.

For the most part, Iíve given up on the idea that I can control where the tide takes me.

I try to flow, but in trying I usually end up floundering and lose myself.

Once lost, I begin to struggle, only to sink deeper and farther from myself.

At times like this I become impossible to interpret from the outside because there is no interpretation to be offered from the inside.

What am I feeling? What am I thinking? Where am I? I sincerely donít know. It is too dark and murky at these depths to see anything, really.

I live inside my head. Everything that happens to me, around me, happens inside my head. Unless Iím floating on the surface, Iím unable to make any sense of it. I donít even notice most of it.

Some things are bright enough to penetrate the ocean and travel through the darkness even to these depths, showing me which way is up and which way is down.

With that knowledge, I know the rest is up to me.